I want to move to Paris. At least for a little while. It just seems right and if I want to actually become fluent then I will need to be immersed in the language. I think I will have to finish school first though, I can't in good conscience just up and move without a college degree. Not that it will really help me find a job there, but I need to accomplish that at the very least before I embark on any big adventures. I'm listening to some Billie Holiday right now. It's amazing music, it makes me feel so romantic and sentimental. I think Gloria is right in saying that I am an old soul. I think I was born in the completely wrong era. I love everything from the golden age. I love the fashion, music, traditions, cars, appliances, cocktails and the glamour. Now of course there would be a million and one things I would hate about it, if I went back in time to live. I just want to take all the things I like about it and bring them into the present day. Three things I want to learn as much about as I possibly can about this year are: 1. World History 2. French and Spanish languages 3. wine.
Three aesthetic things I would like to change about myself are: 1. Moisturize daily 2. workout four times a week minimum and in turn lose 20 lbs. 3. Get a hair cut I'm happy with. Okay four things... 4. Eat a healthier diet (not drink so much, only on the weekends)
Also I want to get all my finances in order as soon as possible and keep it that way. Oh and also find the love of my life....just kidding.
I will settle for just a couple of those things.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
dreams
I had a dream last night that I slept with James Franco. It was amazing. Waking up was very depressing I must say though. I think the part that really sucks is that of course I'm not crazy enough to be disappointed that I'm not with James Franco, but I'm disappointed because I am not with who I want to be in my real life. Someone who doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's scary to think of how much brain space I have devoted to him and how very little he probably has for me. I feel like a loser, I have not met anyone in almost two years since meeting him that I even feel remotely as interested in. Alright I'm done whining.
Friday, January 9, 2009
listlessly
What the fuck? Seriously I am confused, I really thought things would be a lot different at age 23. I have nothing figured out I am more baffled than ever by people and the choices I need to make. I have really put myself in a shitty position. I can’t go back to school because I can’t get a copy of my transcript because I owe Ohio State three fucking thousand dollars which I thought I may have owed, but was in denial I guess.
I have royally fucked myself.
I am alone in a new city. My only real new friend is a lesbian who I think may like me as more than a friend and is making me nervous. I am fake in love with a guy I have not seen in almost two years and who also happens to live hundreds of miles away from me.
Everything is really just falling into place. I’m lost. I feel like I’m old already. I want to feel young and attractive. I want to feel carefree. I just can’t feel.
J***(said guy) was in Ohio this weekend, and I couldn’t see him and Adrienne (said friend) could, but chose not to. Why do I still care, I mean really why do I still care? It’s really getting to the point of absurdity.
I have no more reasons to keep holding on, he doesn’t respond to any of my messages. He has moved on, along time ago moved on, or never even needed to move on, was already on.
I do see a lot of beauty though, in really simple things, leaves blowing, cold breath and the lake. I feel comfort in music and movies and thinking about certain aspects of my childhood. I am so afraid that eventually I am going to forget all of it, I don’t ever want to forget.
I think about going to Lona’s house and watching my mother and her drink coffee in the living room. Coffee was always there to make everything better. In my life that would be a glass of wine, but that was in the church days. I always thought they were bitching about their husbands and commiserating about their now joyless lives. Turns out I was right. Even though I suspected that they were talking about unpleasant things, being there was the most comforting thing I can recall. The house itself had this distinct amazing smell that I have never forgotten, but more than that it wasn’t my own home and it was still filled with mystery.
I have royally fucked myself.
I am alone in a new city. My only real new friend is a lesbian who I think may like me as more than a friend and is making me nervous. I am fake in love with a guy I have not seen in almost two years and who also happens to live hundreds of miles away from me.
Everything is really just falling into place. I’m lost. I feel like I’m old already. I want to feel young and attractive. I want to feel carefree. I just can’t feel.
J***(said guy) was in Ohio this weekend, and I couldn’t see him and Adrienne (said friend) could, but chose not to. Why do I still care, I mean really why do I still care? It’s really getting to the point of absurdity.
I have no more reasons to keep holding on, he doesn’t respond to any of my messages. He has moved on, along time ago moved on, or never even needed to move on, was already on.
I do see a lot of beauty though, in really simple things, leaves blowing, cold breath and the lake. I feel comfort in music and movies and thinking about certain aspects of my childhood. I am so afraid that eventually I am going to forget all of it, I don’t ever want to forget.
I think about going to Lona’s house and watching my mother and her drink coffee in the living room. Coffee was always there to make everything better. In my life that would be a glass of wine, but that was in the church days. I always thought they were bitching about their husbands and commiserating about their now joyless lives. Turns out I was right. Even though I suspected that they were talking about unpleasant things, being there was the most comforting thing I can recall. The house itself had this distinct amazing smell that I have never forgotten, but more than that it wasn’t my own home and it was still filled with mystery.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Growing up= Disappointment
As the years progress I am surrounded by more and more disappointment. I'm not really depressed by it, I think mainly I feel surprised at how many forms it can take. I know so many people who are constantly disappointed by their friends, lovers, jobs and family. It's a wonder why people continue to have any sort of expectations at all. I would always look at my mother and wonder why she was no longer in touch with her childhood best friend, I used to believe that she must done something unforgivable and lost the friendship. She told me that some people are only meant to be your friend for a time and it is rare to find a friend for life. I didn't really understand that at the time, but as I get older I realize it would almost be impossible to stay friends with the same people. Inevitably in one way or another you will disappoint each other to the point where it's just not worth the energy to keep in contact anymore.
Recently on a trip back home around the holidays I had some time to see some friends who I had kept in touch with since moving. The entire trip was one big disappointment after the next and ultimately ended one of my dearest friendships. It is very dangerous to have expectations of anyone in your life, too often they will fall short and you will end up angry. Which is exactly how I felt after my trip, I was never happier to head back to my new state. Of course it is important to have hope. The hope that important people in your life will give you what you need. This does not always happen of course, but ultimately there is really no point in having friends or lovers if you have no hope in their capabilities.
Anyways yesterday I felt very melancholy thinking about all the recent disappointments I have encountered. I'm sure everyone feels this way as they get older, but well..it sucks.
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