listlessly

What the fuck? Seriously I am confused, I really thought things would be a lot different at age 23. I have nothing figured out I am more baffled than ever by people and the choices I need to make. I have really put myself in a shitty position. I can’t go back to school because I can’t get a copy of my transcript because I owe Ohio State three fucking thousand dollars which I thought I may have owed, but was in denial I guess.
I have royally fucked myself.
I am alone in a new city. My only real new friend is a lesbian who I think may like me as more than a friend and is making me nervous. I am fake in love with a guy I have not seen in almost two years and who also happens to live hundreds of miles away from me.
Everything is really just falling into place. I’m lost. I feel like I’m old already. I want to feel young and attractive. I want to feel carefree. I just can’t feel.

J***(said guy) was in Ohio this weekend, and I couldn’t see him and Adrienne (said friend) could, but chose not to. Why do I still care, I mean really why do I still care? It’s really getting to the point of absurdity.
I have no more reasons to keep holding on, he doesn’t respond to any of my messages. He has moved on, along time ago moved on, or never even needed to move on, was already on.
I do see a lot of beauty though, in really simple things, leaves blowing, cold breath and the lake. I feel comfort in music and movies and thinking about certain aspects of my childhood. I am so afraid that eventually I am going to forget all of it, I don’t ever want to forget.
I think about going to Lona’s house and watching my mother and her drink coffee in the living room. Coffee was always there to make everything better. In my life that would be a glass of wine, but that was in the church days. I always thought they were bitching about their husbands and commiserating about their now joyless lives. Turns out I was right. Even though I suspected that they were talking about unpleasant things, being there was the most comforting thing I can recall. The house itself had this distinct amazing smell that I have never forgotten, but more than that it wasn’t my own home and it was still filled with mystery.